Way Too Cute
by Smileyfax
Summary: Daria detests being the center of attention...too bad she's an order of magnitude more attractive than Quinn.
1. Chapter 1

"Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town - especially for you, Daria, right?"

Daria just grunted, doing her best to ignore the world and hoped it returned the favor. She wore a dark green hoodie, with the hood up over her head as much as possible. From under the hood stuck the rim of a generic baseball cap, pulled as low over her face as much as possible. Black jeans completed the ensemble.

"What I mean, Daria, is that you don't try to make friends with people as easily as Quinn."

Daria grunted again. Jake furrowed his eyebrows, but let his daughter sit in silence as he drove both his girls the rest of the way to their new high school.

As he pulled to a stop, Quinn jumped out and was immediately beset by the adoring public. "Hi! You're cool. What's your name?" one girl asked.

"Quinn Morgendorffer," she replied.

"Cool name," a second girl observed.

"Will you go out with me?" a young man solicited.

"Try to warm up to the other kids, please, Daria?"

Daria's reply was no different from the other two times Jake had solicited conversation, and attempted to inconspicuously slip out of the car's backseat and make her way to class unmolested.

She almost made it, to her surprise.

XXXX

"As you can see, our Lawndale High students take great pride in their school. That's why you'll each be taking..." Ms. Li, the school principal, noticed Daria's attire and scowled. "Miss, the facial recognition on the cameras...er, the school's dress code prohibit hats or raised hoods. Please remove both immediately." Her tone of voice brokered no dissent.

Daria grunted again and (very slowly) slid back her hood and removed her baseball cap. She shook out her long, golden locks of hair and in an instant Quinn Morgendorffer's name was forgotten by every boy present.

Quinn may have been the cutest girl in school, but Daria was GORGEOUS.

"Will you go out with me?" a boy (the same one from earlier) asked.

"No, go out with me!" another boy demanded.

"Would you like to join the Fashion Club?" the girl from earier who had complimented Quinn's name offered.

"Join the Pep Squad?" another girl offered.

"-Cheerleaders?" A third girl said. The requests for dates and offers of clubs to join began to drown each other (and everything else) out.

Daria broke into a dead run down the hallway, being chased by what seemed to be half the students in high school as they begged her for attention. Ms. Li chased after the rabble, shouting for order.

XXXX

Half an hour later, after the pseudo-riot had been broken up, Daria was practically shoved into the psychologist's office. Quinn had already been through, so Daria's psych exam would be solo.

Dr. Manson held up a picture for Daria. "Now, Daria, what do you see here?"

Daria muttered something incomprehensible (though it sounded obscene...and physically impossible).

"What was that?"

"A herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains," Daria said through gritted teeth.

"Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people."

"Last time I took one of these tests, they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted."

"Um, that's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people, and you tell me what they're discussing."

"Oh. All right then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing...a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains."

Dr. Manson frowned. "Why are you so cranky, Daria? Beautiful people like you shouldn't be cranky."

"Oh? Why shouldn't I?" Daria growled out, starting to get angry.

"Well, what could you possibly have to be angry about?"

"What indeed," Daria snapped, thrusting up from the chair and heading for the door.

"Oh, one more thing, Daria," Dr. Manson called out. "It says here in your file that you don't actually have a prescription for glasses, and the dress code prohibits the wearing of non-prescripton glasses and sunglasses."

Daria glared at the psychologist before removing the big, round frames (with plastic lenses) and thrusting them into her pocket. (Her glare might have been more intimidating if she didn't have the most beautiful baby-blue eyes).

XXXX

"Class, we have a new STUDENT joining us today. Please welcome Daria Morgendorffer. Daria, raise your hand, please."

Daria had her head down on her desk. She did not raise her hand.

DeMartino scowled. "Daria, just because you're NEW and BLONDE does not give you LICENSE to IGNORE ME!"

Daria briefly raised her hand up from the desk (but not the arm), and then let it drop half a second later.

"WELL, Daria! As long as you have your hand raised..." He chuckled. "Last week, we began a unit on westward expansion. Perhaps you feel it's UNFAIR to be asked a question on your first day of class."

Daria was silent.

"...Daria, can you concisely and unemotionally sum up for us the doctrine of Manifest Destiny?"

"Yes."

"...Well?" DeMartino prompted.

"You asked if I could. I can. I just choose not to."

Everybody in class could practically see the steam coming from DeMartino's ears. "Fine, then. WOULD you CONCISELY AND UNEMOTIONALLY SUM UP THE DOCTRINE OF MANIFEST DESTINY?"

Daria lifted her head up from her desk. "Manifest Destiny was a slogan popular in the 1840s. It was used by the people who claimed it was God's will for the U.S. to expand all the way to the Pacific Ocean. These people did not include many Mexicans." Her head had reached the desk again the second the last syllable left her lips. (Many of the boys in the class wondered what it would be like to kiss those lips).

DeMartino's jaw moved on its own for a second before sound managed to come out. "Very good, Daria. Almost...suspiciously good. Alright, class. Who can tell me which war Manifest Destiny was used to justify?"

XXXX

"Well, first they asked me to join the pep squad, but then Daria showed her face and ruined it, like usual," Quinn pouted. "Sandi told me she didn't want me in the Fashion Club either, if I'm so second-rate compared to my sister. So for now, I'm a reserve cheerleader, and that's it."

"Now Quinn, you can't blame Daria for all of that," Jake counseled.

"WHAT? Sure I can! Just LOOK at her!" Quinn wildly gestured to Daria, who made a very rude gesture back at Quinn.

"Daria! Apologize to Quinn!" Helen admonished. Daria muttered an utterly insincere sorry. "Now, how did your day go, Daria?"

"Well, I started a riot in my first five minutes. Tragically, nobody was trampled to death."

"I mean did anybody invite you to any clubs or organizations?"

"I was invited to join the Baby Seal Club."

Quinn perked up. "I didn't hear about any Baby Seal Club."

"It's what they use to club baby seals," Daria explained.

"That's just WRONG!" Quinn exclaimed.

"Daria, apologize to your sister!" Helen ordered again. Daria's second apology was no more sincere than the first.

Before the verbal exchange could continue, the phone rang. Helen went to answer it. "Hello? ...Yes. ...Uh, yes, she's my daughter. ...I see. Listen, will this require any parent-teacher conferences or anything, and if so, is this the sort of thing my assistant can handle? ...Okay, great. Bye!" Helen returned to the dinner table. "You girls took a psychological test at school today?"

"They said we wouldn't be graded!" Quinn complained.

"Daria, they want you to take a special class for a few weeks, then they'll test you again."

"YOU flunked the test?" Quinn said increduously.

"She didn't flunk anything. It seems she has low self-esteem."

"Why would I have low self-esteem? I'm so pretty. There's nothing I could dislike about myself." Daria's tone was mostly anger, mixed in with loathing. Before anybody could respond, she stood up from the table (pushing her chair back hard enough that it fell backwards) and stomped upstairs to her room.

"Is she going to have, like, a breakdown or something? 'Cause then I could get back into the Fashion Club," Quinn pointed out.

XXXXXXXXXX

This story was inspired as I watched Legally Blonde and wondered, what would Daria be like if she were blonde? And better looking than Quinn?

I did briefly consider 'Legally Blonde' for the title, but that would have spoiled the reveal, I think. I also considered 'Daria the Beauty' (in contrast to 'Quinn the Brain'), but I don't think it has quite the same...mm, jibe? I don't think that's a real word, but I don't think it has quite the same jibe as Way Too Cute. 


	2. Chapter 2

Jane looked over at the blondie who had sat next to her with her head down all class long. She hadn't even moved when Mr. O'Neill dismissed the class. "Hey," she said a few octaves above a whisper. "Hey, Blondie, wake up." No response. "Hey Blondie, you know what you are? Just a dirty son of a..." Still no response.

Jane got out of her chair and squatted next to Blondie. She leaned closer...a little closer...and heard a very gentle snore. "Hey," she said, louder. "Hey!" she said, a little louder than normal speaking volume. "FIRE!" she screamed into the girl's ear.

"What!" Blondie shouted, lurching up and backwards, almost bringing the whole desk crashing sideways. She glared at Jane. "That wasn't very funny."

Jane's arms were clutching her stomach as she giggled madly. "Yes it was!" she choked out, tears streaming down her face.

Blondie glared at her some more, gathered her belongings up, and began to storm out.

"I wouldn't go out like that, if I were you," Jane warned, her giggles starting to subside.

Blondie swiveled around, a look of fury on her face. "Looking like what?" she asked, ice cold.

Jane was unconcerned with the intimidation. "Well, there's a good-sized drool stain on your cheek, for one!" At Blondie's look of pure horror, Jane cracked up again.

Blondie dug through her purse, but was unable to find any tissues. Embarrassed, she approached Jane. "Um, you wouldn't happen to have..." Jane handed her a paint-stained rag from her back pocket. As Blondie rubbed at the dried saliva, she looked askewedly at Jane. "This wouldn't be your snotrag, would it?"

"Nah, I use my shirttails for snot," Jane said airily. To Jane's pleasure, the response elicited a small smile from Blondie. "You know, Blondie -"

"My name is Daria," Daria said with an air of finality.

"...Daria, you won't be passing Mr. O'Neills self-esteem class if you keep sleeping through it."

"From what I heard in the five minutes I was awake, I won't pass it even if I etch Mr. O'Neill's every word onto my skin with a rusty nail."

"Fair enough. I suppose I could fill you in on what he's talking about...I've taken the class six times."

XXXX

"I don't get it, Jane. You've got the entire course memorized. How come you can't pass the test to get out?"

"I could pass the test, but I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special."

The two new friends were walking home as Jane gave Daria a run-down on the self-esteem 'class', which essentially boiled down to feel-good pap.

"So, how did you get into the class? Mouth off to Mrs. Manson?"

Daria shrugged. "She said that I shouldn't have anything to worry about, since I'm so pretty."

"Pff, you're not as pretty as me, and I'm in the class," Jane pointed out. Daria rolled her eyes. "Are those tits real, by the way?"

Daria's jaw dropped at Jane's brashness. "I'm 100% real," she said through gritted teeth.

"Jesus, Daria!" Jane laughed. "Why are you such a bitch about your looks, anyway?"

Daria set her jaw forward, and Jane felt the rumblings of an oncoming storm. Then, for a wonder, the storm subsided. "Did you hear about the riot I started the other day?"

Jane gaped. "That was YOU? That was AWESOME!"

Daria frowned. "It was not awesome, not when any moment can turn into the Running of the Bulls at the drop of a hat. I was 'the cutest' until I hit puberty, then I became 'the hottest'. My two best 'friends' used to be these two idiots who were at least amusing to watch, but once my breasts came in, they did nothing but look at my 'thingies', as they called them. Ever since then, every boy I've talked to has wanted to paw me, and every girl I've talked to has either been a catty bitch, or also wanted to paw me. This is the first real conversation I've had with somebody outside my family in three years."

Jane looked mournfully at Daria, then did the only thing she could think of.

"Honk."

Daria looked down at Jane's hand, which had just squeezed Daria's breast. "Jane, you fucking bitch." But try as she could, she couldn't keep the mirth out of her voice, or the corners of her mouth from curling up. 


	3. Chapter 3

Ms. Li and Daria stared impassively at each other, both refusing to break the silence first. Jane sat next to Daria, worriedly glancing from her blonde amiga to the stern principal and back again.

Ms. Li cleared her throat and finally spoke. "Do you know why you're here today, Ms. Morgendorffer and Ms. Lane?"

"Well, sixteen years ago my father was feeling particularly amorous with my mother -"

Ms. Li held up a hand to cut off Daria. "You are here because Mr. O'Neill petitioned to hold an assembly to recognize your early graduation of his self-esteem class. I turned down his request."

"Well, if that'll be all..." Jane made as if she was getting up.

"Sit down, Ms. Lane," Ms. Li ordered. "I turned down his request for two reasons. One, I don't believe the student body is yet inoculated against your looks, Ms. Morgendorffer, and I fear another riot may break out if you're put on display like a cut of meat."

Daria nodded subtly. "That's...thoughtful of you."

Ms. Li returned the nod. "The other reason is that I'm not certain I should approve your graduation from the self-esteem class. You attended a mere three classes of the ten week course, so I don't think you properly absorbed the course material." For the first time, she broke her staring contest with Daria and turned to Jane. "And you've had sixty weeks to absorb the material, Ms. Lane, so I don't see why this time is any different."

"Well, we just finally figured out that we really are special, and that no one else is like us!" Jane pointed out.

"Don't give me that crap," Ms. Li spat out. "Let's cut to the chase, since neither of you girls are idiots. You both know that the self-esteem class is a ghetto for the school's malcontents. Normally, I'd have no problem signing off on your graduation from that class, since your friendship makes it less likely that you will trouble the staff or the other students during your education at this school. However, given that you have the highest attractiveness quotient in the school -"

"How the hell could you possibly know something like that?"

Ms. Li ignored the question. "-I feel it would be best to utilize your face to improve the image of Lawndale High."

Daria sighed. "I hope this involves Nicholas Cage and John Travolta."

"I understand that several of our clubs have already issued you invitations to join, Ms. Morgendorffer. I suggest you take one of them up on it."

"Uh, what about me?" Jane asked.

"Well, Ms. Lane, I would prefer it if you followed Ms. Morgendorffer into her extracirricular activities, as it would keep the both of you out of trouble, as I mentioned. It would also mark the first time a Lane ever contributed more than a 2.0 grade point average to Lawndale High. However, if you wished to stay in the self-esteem class, it would be no skin off my nose."

"So I can't just...get off scot-free?" Ms. Li glared in reply. "...I guess not."

XXXX

"This meeting of the Fashion Club is called to order," Sandi proclaimed. "Stacy, please note that we have a new member to fill the vacant Vice President position?"

"Aren't you going to ask me to introduce myself?" Daria asked.

"Oh. Excuse me." The sneer on Sandi's face and the tone of her voice both belied her lack of sincerity. "Stacy, Tiffany, this is Daria Morgendorffer."

"Why is she dressed like a homeless person?" Tiffany asked.

Sandi shot her a scowl. "Tiffany, dear, Daria simply hasn't had a chance to be briefed on our dress codes."

"I'm not changing the way I dress," Daria said.

"Ex-cuse me?"

"I said, I'm not changing the way I dress."

Sandi's eyes narrowed as she attempted to digest the thought. "Well GEE, Daria, if you don't want to follow the rules, maybe you should become President and change them."

Daria nodded. "Fair enough, I second your nomination."

"What?" Sandi was dumbfounded.

"All in favor of my becoming President of the Fashion Club?" She raised her hand. Stacy and Tiffany were startled into raising theirs as well. "All opposed?" Sandi was too flabbergasted to even raise her hand. "Alright, with three ayes and one abstention, I am elected President of the Fashion Club. Stacy, right?" Surprised at being addressed, Stacy nodded. "Please hand your notebook over to secretary Sandi."

Sandi and Stacy's faces were mirrors of one another, as both exhibited utter shock. "Buh-buh-but Daria, I'm the secretary," Stacy tried to explain, wide-eyed.

"No, you're the new Vice President. Sandi's the new secretary."

"Ex-CUSE me, you can't just -"

Daria cut off Sandi. "I read the club bylaws before coming to this meeting, and the President of the Fashion Club rules by fiat, so I can do whatever I want."

"What do cars have to do with it?" Stacy asked, confused.

Daria rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Just give her the notebook, please."

Stacy (after a moment's hesitation at hearing the word 'please' for the first time ever in a Fashion Club meeting) handed the notebook to Sandi, mouthing "I'm sorry!" over and over. Sandi took it without looking Stacy in the eye.

"Now, Sandi, could you please record my victory in the election?" Sandi did so, with the sound of her grinding teeth louder than the scratching of the pen onto the paper. "Very good. Now, I hold a vote that we dissolve the Fashion Club."

"WHAT?" Sandi shouted.

"Does anybody second the motion?" Daria focused her gaze on Stacy. "Anybody?"

In a very meek voice, Stacy said, "Seconded." She felt the side of her face increase in temperature to near-melting from the glare Sandi was surely giving her.

"All in favor?" She raised her hand, followed a moment later by Stacy.

After a long moment more, Sandi opened her mouth. "Well, I guess..." She trailed off as Tiffany raised her hand.

"All opposed?" Instead of raising her hand, Sandi simply threw the notebook down and stormed out.

XXXX

Daria sighed as she appraised the cheerleader uniform she wore in the mirror. Bouncing around chanting banal endorsements of sporting events and risking a spinal injury in a human pyramid was humiliating, but this was her last shot at escaping the self-esteem class. (There was no way in hell she would join something called the Pep Club).

"Hey, stranger. Gonna bag yourself the QB? Or maybe the Captain?"

Daria turned, surprised to see Jane. "Jane, I didn't think you wanted to join me in extracirricular hell."

"Eh, you know what they say about misery."

"That it shares the wealth?"

"Something like that. Which reminds me, can you pay for pizza after school today?"

Daria shook her head, a small smile on her face. "Just as soon as you pay me back for the last three."

"Ouch!"

"Well, we better not keep the Silicone Brigade waiting. Let's go out there and give it our worst."

XXXX

"So, you think I could become an active cheerleader?" Quinn asked excitedly.

Brittany nodded. "Leslie is moving to California, and since you're our only reserve cheerleader..." Brittany trailed off as she looked over Quinn's shoulder. "Quinn! You didn't tell me your sister wanted to be a cheerleader too!"

"She doesn't. Why do you...oh no." She turned around, only to see her revoltingly much-more-beautiful sister approach, with her weird friend in tow, both wearing cheerleading uniforms.

"Hi, sis!" Daria greeted, a smug smirk on her face.

"Damnit, Daria, you ruin EVERYTHING!"

XXXXXXXXXX

I apologize if this third chapter isn't up to the quality of the first two; I've been under some stress at home lately, but due to the overwhelming demand (and pitchforks), I felt obligated to continue writing.

The reason I let this lay fallow for so long in the first place was, well, NaNoWriMo. This was my first year competing in it, and I won! With 53,149 words total! I might talk more about it later, if people are interested.

Keep an eye out for more chapters of this; I've also been brainstorming a Christmas fic, and maybe a Daria/Link fic. (Yes, you read that right). 


	4. Chapter 4

"What?" Daria was dumbfounded.

"I said, Daria, that you didn't make the team," Brittany repeated.

"Wh-why the hell not?" Daria stammered out.

Brittany curled a lock of her hair around one finger. "Well, you don't have that special bouncity-bounce that a cheerleader should have, you know?"

"'Bouncity-bounce?'"

"And you're not very well coordinated, either, Daria...last year, when I was a freshman, one of the girls on the team lost her balance and fell. It was so scary!" Brittany trembled at the mere thought of it. "She broke one of her legs, and cracked a verte-thingy in her back. If she hit just a little harder, she'd be in a wheelchair!" Brittany was now openly crying, embarrassing Daria.

"Um...there there," Daria lamely tried to comfort Brittany by patting her on the shoulder.

"You don't hate me, do you, Daria? I know you really wanted to be a cheerleader, but please don't hate me!"

"I...of course I don't hate you, Brittany," Daria said, put off by the whole conversation. "And, well, it's not so much that I wanted to be a cheerleader, it's just that Ms. Li wanted me to take an extracirricular which would let me show my face to the world."

"Oh," Brittany said, her tears finally running dry. She impulsively leaned forward and hugged Daria, who almost recoiled at the touch but, after some hesitation, put her arms around Brittany and very gently squeezed back. "Well, don't worry, Daria. I'm sure you'll fit in somewhere! Where do you think you'll try out for next?"

"Um..." Where else did Daria have to go? "Well, there's the Pep Squad..."

Brittany brightened up. "Ooh, you'll do swell there, Daria! They're not a very big club, and the president is sooo gloomy. It'll be easy for you to take over!"

Daria thought fondly of how easy it was to take over the Fashion Club, but decided she shouldn't demolish the Pep Squad, if only because they wouldn't let her into any more clubs if she kept eliminating them (thus dooming her and Jane to a self-esteem purgatory).

Speaking of Jane... "Say, what about Jane? Did she lack...'bouncity-bounce'?" Daria felt an ulcer start to form in protest of her use of the phrase.

Brittany's eyebrows shot up. "I forgot to tell you? Oh! Well, Jane's going to be a reserve cheerleader! Isn't that great?"

Daria blinked several times. Jane had made the cut, but she didn't. "What did she say?"

"Well, she said she'd think about it. I hope she joins! She's got good legs, so she'd be great for pyramids!"

XXXX

That night at dinner, Quinn was the happiest Daria had ever seen her. And it made her nauseous.

"...and then Brittany said Daria didn't have any bounce! Can you believe it! For once, I'm better than Daria at something! I got on the cheerleading squad full-time, and SHE didn't even get on the reserves!" Quinn thrust a triumphant finger at Daria. Daria considered biting it off.

Helen had a similar attitude. "Shame on you, Quinn! You know your sister has been diagnosed with low self-esteem. You shouldn't rub something like that in her face."

"Of course!" Quinn suddenly shouted, switching from happy to angry in a microsecond. "Daria gets anything she wants, 'cause she's prettier than me, so when I get something that I want, it's a frickin' crime against nature or something!" Quinn shoved back from the table and stormed upstairs.

"Quinn! Quinn, you come down right this instant and apologize, young lady!" Helen shouted. She turned to Daria, apologetic. "Look, Daria, I'm sorry about your sister, you know she doesn't mean it..."

Daria shook her head. "Yeah, she does. Look, mom...I'll go talk to her." Daria cursed her conscience.

She went upstairs and knocked on Quinn's door. "Go away!" Quinn shouted.

"It's the Spanish inquisition," Daria deadpanned.

"Oh, it's you," Quinn said dismissively, opening the door. "Did mom send you up? 'Cause I'm not apologizing."

Daria shook her head. "No, she didn't -"

"It must be beating you up inside, that I'm a better cheerleader than you."

"What?" Daria was momentarily distracted by Quinn's malapropism before she could discern what she'd actually meant.

"Everything always gets handed to you on a silver freakin' platter, Daria, and you just can't stand that Brittany has bigger boobies than you and didn't care how cute your dumb face looks - she tossed you out like a used Kleenex because you weren't good enough to cheer!" Quinn's voice became more venomous as she spoke.

Daria considered what she said. "You're right."

"I am?" Quinn wasn't sure to be more shocked that she was right, or that her sister had admitted it.

Daria shook her head. "Not about me being bitter. I could not give one damn about becoming a cheerleader. But you're right - Brittany looked past my looks and judged me on my merit."

"Say what?"

Daria smiled - wide. Quinn was perturbed seeing the unfamiliar gesture on Daria's face (and a little revolted at how perfect even her sister's teeth were). "Don't you get it, Quinn? For the first time in my whole damn life, somebody looked PAST my appearances!"

"And they thought you stank!" Quinn added. That did not deter Daria from giving Quinn a great big hug, though. "Aggh! What are you doing!" Quinn flailed and tried to escape, but it was no use.

"Thanks for helping me realize what happened, sis," Daria said as she delivered the coup de grace - a great big peck on one cheek.

"OH GROSS!" Quinn finally squirmed free of Daria and dashed to the bathroom, where the water could be heard running as Quinn was surely trying to scrub off the outer layers of her skin.

Daria sighed with contentment at having seriously messed with her little sister, then moseyed on down to her room and picked up the phone.

"Yo."

"Hey, Jane."

"Amiga! How do you like being a cheerleader?" Daria realized Jane didn't know.

"You tell me."

"...Oh. Well, I guess I'll have to call Brittany up and let her know -"

"I think you should join the team."

"...Daria, have your blonde roots finally choked off the oxygen supply to your brain? Why would I bother being a cheerleader if your ass isn't there for me to be a pain in it?"

Daria sighed. "Well, when Brittany explained why I wasn't allowed on the squad, none of her reasons were based on my...you know...looks. She looked past all that."

"And decided you stank." Jane's tone was playful, but Daria was still annoyed that she drew the same conclusion as Quinn.

"Save the commentary, Lane. Anyway, if Brittany thinks you'd be a good reservist, I think you should go for it. She actually reminds me of this other girl at school who didn't just take me at face value."

"Let me guess: Sandi?"

"You bitch." The two girls chuckled as their conversation moved on to other topics.

XXXXXXXXXX

I'm not sure whether I should continue this story, or call it 'complete' and put Pep Squad stuff in a sequel. I'm leaning a little towards the former option, but I could go either way. 


End file.
